brandes

I was on my way home from work and class and I was listening to my ipod while on the bus. I was getting off at my stop when Duffy’s “Distant Dreamer” comes on. I love her as an artist and Distant Dreamer fills me with such an inspiring feeling… Here are the lyrics:
Although you think I cope,
my head is filled with hope…
of some place other than here.

Although you think I smile,
inside all the while…
I’m wondering about my destiny.

Yeah, I’m a dreamer

I am having a difficult time with steadying myself lately, if that makes sense? My schedule is so ridiculous that I am having a hard time creating any routine, and I am the type of person that thrives on routine. My sleep schedule is completely out of whack along with eating patterns and relaxation times! I don’t know which way is up or down! haha I am trying to maintain a positive attitude which isn’t too hard because I am an optimistic person by nature… My work has me so unbalanced. For instance, I work long hours and they are not easy (I don’t think things in life should come easy but I need a break!) For example, as you know I work on an inpatient unit. We just got a 17 year old girl who is severely sick. She claims she has a paralyzed stomach but her problems are more psychiatric. She has a feeding tube in her stomach called a jgpeg tube. She is on 24 hour feeding because if she ingests something orally she immediately vomits after. She has a staff member with her at all times because she is also violent… On Friday, I got spit on, kicked and my badge ripped off of me. We restrained her in four points until she calmed down. This is only one instances of many! A human can only take so much stress. I love my job but wow coupled with the shift work and low staffing it can make it impossible to work there! I need all the energy I can get by taking care of my body through eating right and exercise. I have made some changes… haven’t seen results but I do feel better like eating breakfast. I have oatmeal and fruit almost every morning. I feel better in the am and can take on more in the morning. I am surprised at how fast the oatmeal can wear off though in the morning!! I bought a “Naked” smoothie to try in the morning… I have never had one and thought I would give it a shot haha… I am definitely not opposed to trying new things, I just need to not give up so soon or give in to the stresses in my life! I wonder how much Cortisol is in my system! Not good!!

Anyway, I am finally hunger and a bowl of tomatoes sounds oh so good! Thanks for letting me vent and find my motivation slowly… Keep up the great work all!!

I know it has been awhile… School has started and work has been nuts… what else is new??  I am sooo excited about my classes though!  I have one of my fav professors, he is amazing!  Plus the class is interesting too that he teaches; Abnormal Psychology.  He said we will be able to diagnose like no one’s business!  Love it!

 One thing that has been stressing me out but also is a good thing is that I have applied for a different job.  This is HUGE for me!  I have worked Inpatient for 3 years now and I am sick of it esp. with the politics and idiotic policies.  We just had a meeting that now we cannot talk bad about the company while working or on our FREE TIME!!  They are trying to turn this into a communist company!  They are trying to control what I tell others on my own time… RIDICULOUS!!!  I am sick of the BS and want out so I applied for a research position at a cancer center in Pittsburgh.  I am excited but nervous.  I don’t have much research experience but I want some because at some point I want to get my doctorate and I think research experience would defintely help!  I was having problems actually making the decision to apply because I was feeling guilty.  Like I should have job loyalty to my boss and fellow co-workers.  I called my mom twice on Thursday (when I applied) to talk myself out of feeling that way.  My mom was like, ” what have they done for you?”  Really, nothing… I have had nothing but heartache and frustration!  The only thing that brings me joy is my patients!  I love them and think that that is the hardest thing to leave.  I can’t imagine telling a couple of them I will not work here anymore.  Bitter sweet… I am trying not to get my hopes up, if its the Lord’s plan then I will get it if not, it wasn’t meant to be.  There are so many more pros to getting out then cons.  I just have to make the move!  Scary but oh so sweeeettt!!!

 Well, as far as watching what I eat.  I have been doing ok.  I have not gain any more weight which is good.  I am staying the same.  I am switching foods for more low calories foods and packing lunches alot more.  I honestly think the constant shift changes is what hurts my metabolism.  It doesn’t know when to eat or not… One pro about the research job is that it is Monday through Friday all daylight hours!! YAY!!! Again not trying to get my hopes up but having a regular and constant schedule would be amazing!  I think my mood would improve and my body would be in bliss!  It would be easier to exercise and have a regular eating schedule!  Anyway, no weight lost though.  I know I need to make more of an effort but life just gets in the way at times… No excuse though I know….

I hope all is well with everyone and apologize about my absence.  I thought about getting on but then would fall alseep out of exhaustion!  Last night I had two glasses of wine (not beer haha) and was out!  Tonight I am actually working third shift so I am up!

I am looking forward to tomorrow after I sleep for a couple of hours.  My ex but now friend/maybe more than a friend again, are going kayaking on the rivers, then to Rib Fest (omg sooo good!) and then maybe check out the new casino that was just built by the river… I am really looking forward to it.  I have so much fun with him.  His name is Dustin.  We were together about two years ago for about one year.  He was an alcoholic and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I broke up with him and evidently it got really bad for him after that.  He got his third DUI and was fined heavily, on parole and was on house arrest for a period of time.  I refused to talk to him after we broke up because he stalked me and was basically crazy.  Finally, he left me alone and I got into another relationship with a man named Lee (that one was actually worse.)   Lee was controling and manipulative and just scary.  I was in that one for a little over a year and finally I got out of that one.  One drunken night (on my part) I lost control and texted Dustin.  We started talking again and he had changed.  Seriously, he has changed.  The run in with the law was his rock bottom.  We have been pretty inseparatable since we started talkign again but I have been dating as well just to see what is out there.  Distin and I are not together… yet.  I don’t know what to think at times.  Sometimes, I think I am crazy for acceoting him back in my life and talking to him again and other times I am happy he is in my life again.  We are working on oour trust issues (more of my trust issues than his).  I keep asking myself, “Do I want to be with someone that I do not know for sure that he will not go back to drinking as a coping machanism?” He says he will never get like that again.  How can I trust that?  Sometimes I do and other times I drill him with questions about how much he has had to drink.  The poor man can’t get blasted with questions his whole life.  Do I deserve better or did he change his ways and will will be happy?  Million dollar questuion I ask myself almost everyday!  Am I crazy??

Anyway… my life can be a circus but I do enjoy it for the most part… now if I could get this weight loss and healthy lifestyle thing down I think I would be unstoppable! haha

 Good night everyone and I hope all of you are continuing on the journey to a balanced mind, body and spirit! 

Day three of the cleanse/eating fruits and viggies… Do pretty well so far.. Last night I made seasame peanut noodles for dinner along with a tomato and scallion salad.  The Noodle dish was from Cook Yourself Thin which, again, is an amazing cookbook.  Asian cooking is not my favorite but for some reason these sounded sooo good.  I used whole grain pasta for fiber, jicama, red peper, granny smith apple, slaw mix, cilantro, scallions, lime, ginger, peanut butter and other Asian sauces such as low sodium soy souce, rice vineger, and seasame oil.  So it had veggies and good protien and fats in it.   It is only 308 calories per serving! MMM… It wasn’t a disaster like I thought it would be.  haha I also had a 100 cal pack of fudge stripped cookies ( that what I mean when I say pretty good… haha)  I couldn’t resist.  At least it was a 100 cal pack and not a whole pachage of cookies… baby steps!

Today I worked daylight shift at work so I had to plan what to eat and pack it.  An apple and yogurt for breakfast, orange for a snack, leftover noodles and a salad for lunch.  I feel good… But my mind can’t help to think, “I want results now!!”  But i know it took me about two years to get up to this weight so I have to give myself time to get back down in weight!  What’s also discouraging is I am going to start my monthly friend any day now which I know packs on more water weight than usual.  It sucks to be a woman!

 I guess that’s all to report now.  I am going out tonight… I don’t know what to do??   How do I stay on track but have fun with friends because I like to drink too but Iknow how many wasted calories that is… 

 Anyway… to everyone, keep on the journey to a balanced mind, body and spirit!! :)  

I am on my lunch break and exhausted?!?!  I really don’t know why I am so tired?  I guess even after two days off my body still hasnt adjusted to daylight yet and is still on nightshift time.  So frustrating!  I even took Benadryl last night to help get me to sleep!  I think the last time I looked at the clock it was going on 1am and I had to be up at 6am. 

I am not feeling life in general right now.  I think its the lack of sleep!  I walk into work and we have 17 patients but what pissed me off was that they sent one of our staff members to another floor for a whole shift!  This means we only have 4.5 staff for first shift.  Definitely not enough staff to run on especially when we have two admissions scheduled for today which would bring the grand total up  to 19 patients!!  On 4.5 staff?!?! I absolutely HATE the company I work for!!

On a brighter note… I packed a salad, grapes and an orange for lunch.  I just had most of my salad.  Towards the end of it I was getting full and sorta sick of it.  I really don’t think I like the Dandelion in it.  It was tasting too bitter.  Maybe if I had a sweeter dressing to offset the taste?  Anyway, it had carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, green pepper and mixed salad greens.  I went to the store yesterday and have been wanting to try the fat free Hidden Valley Ranch.  It is okay, I think I can train my tastebuds to like it.  I still bought the light just in case I hated the fat free.  Overall, its okay.  I did however, have one smaller cookie.  Work can be a death trap for food but I only had one. haha  Another change was my Diet Pepsi.  HUGE change from Mt. Dew but it’s still good.  I really just crave the fizz of pop and just so happened to like the fizz of Mt. Dew but I think I can definitely like Diet Pepsi for the fizz until I am ready to ween off the pop all together. 

My main goal to hit at some point is to steer clear of processed foods!  My insides are probably clogged by now with sludge due to too much high fat highly processed crap!  I know it wears my body down!  I just want to feel “light” again!  Yesterday my ex boyfriend (we are still friends) and I went to Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods.  I have never been there before and thought I would check it out.  Anything having to do with food, he is in haha.  I really liked Whole Foods!  I just enjoy going to grocery stores… weird?  I am also trying to find a good granola!  Any suggestions?

 Well… more to come I am sure but for now break is over!  Hope everyone’s day is going well! :)     

Well… I called work last night to see what I work for today because I didn’t have my schedule and I actually had off today!! Woohoo!!! Great surprise for me! I found out while at the grocery store buying Benadryl haha. At least I will have it for future sleepless nights!

While at the store I thought, “Well there is not time like the present to start…” I bought all kinds of fruits and veggies to kink start the cleansing/weight loss journey. I have done this before but only for a short period of time. I decided to do a cleanse and while doing that I eat only fruits and veggies. I remember how I felt when I did it before; GREAT! So here I go again. I also am using an all natural cleanse from GNC. I really like it! I also thought stocking my apartment with healthy things is so much better! Here is what I bought and m so excited for haha:

3 home grown garden tomatoes
2 avocados (for guacamole salad, a recipe from Antishay)
broccoli
2 zucchini
2 cucumbers
2 home grown garden green peppers
2 nectarines
1 orange
1 bag of red grapes
1 little thing of Feta cheese
1 bag of Edamame (never have tried it before… btw how do you eat it? Do you eat the pods like snow peas?)
1 carton of eggs (in case I need some protein)

I think that is it but I will steam a lot of the veggies and I already had more salad stuff. Wish me luck!

To all, continue the empowering journey towards a healthy mind, body and spirit!

So I enjoy watching Youtube videos about weight loss and such and have found a person who I absolutely LOVE. She is such a bright and cheery person and her journey has been truly inspiring. Her name is Antishay on youtube and her videos are great! I watched a few tonight and decided to download a calorie counter on my Blackberry to track my calories for the day. I want to stay in the range of 1200 to 1300 calories a day, more towards the 1200 range. The one I downloaded are pretty simple. One is for simply tracking and the other is for looking up foods that I may not know the calorie content of. I am constantly on my phone! We will see if this helps for when I am on the go.

I have a feeling that I will not be able to sleep tonight because I am used to being up all night. Ahhh… so frustrating! I don’t even have any Benadryl to take to help me sleep… Maybe I should just take a walk to the grocery store and get some… One nice thing about living in a city is every thing is close enough to walk to!

One thing I have been pondering is why, while I am at my highest weight and lowest confidence level am I dating so much? I have gone on a few dates and nothing has really panned out to be a great thing so I am still single (which is fine by me) BUT I am not in the greatest frame of mind. I have a date on Saturday. He seems nice but the jury is still out on that one… A part of me just doesn’t care and if they like me then they like me and if they don’t well then they don’t. But I think rejection in general is difficult for any human to experience and I know that I will immediately internalize it and conclude that it’s because of my weight and how I look. Such a tortuous world to be in! uuhh…

Okay I am off to the store to get some Benadryl in order to sleep!!

On one hand I like working night shift because it gets me away from the drama that can happen on the unit. On the other hand, my body and internal clock is very messed up! But the good news is once I got home I threw out the binge food… enough is enough! I also had breakfast, went to slept for a little bit, woke up hungry and made a grilled chicken salad. I added dandelion. I have this book called “150 Most Healthiest Foods” which is very interesting. Dandelion has a lot of nutrition and cleansing properties in it and when I was at the grocery store I decided to try it. I haven’t decided if I like the stronger taste of it compared to mixed greens such as red leaf lettuce, spinach, and other greens. Sometimes spinach makes my tongue feel weird, like its numb? A little weird and I think the dandelion had the same effect? But I will try it again and see how I feel. I just need a few days in a row… I can do this!

I just got an email from one of my friends. It is one of those chain letter type emails which I do not pass on and usually delete but I liked the quotes in it…

“To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, He’s not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.”

“The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.”

I thought these were inspiring.

I think I want to try tackling eating heathy before adding another life change of exercise. I have a gym membership but haven’t used it in a very, very long time! Such a shame… I also have thought about doing a cleanse to help clear my body of toxins and such. I have done it in the past and remember feeling very good. When I was in college and was on the path of losing the extra 15lbs I gained, I was so disciplined. Where did it go? I made so many better choices when eating at college and when eating out. I gave up pop for a year and a half! I was so on fire… seriously, where did it go? I am hoping I am starting to tap into that again… Has anyone else done a cleanse before? I chose a natural one from GNC. I have done it once before and liked it a lot and I have tried my fair share haha.

Just a few thoughts not able to concentrate today. Probably the lack of good sleep…

To all, continue the empowering journey towards a healthy mind, body and spirit!

I am at work and all I can think about is what I have done today.  This is what we call perserverating in the psychiatric world! haha Sometimes I think I am worse than the patients!  Since I have the binge food in my apartment… I eat it!  i finished the rest before work… I am disgusting!  I feel I shouldn’t write this but I also made a promise to myself about accountability.  I must make myself accountable not not lie to myself anymore.  I can not avoid my destructive behaviors when I am low!  Tomorrow is a new day… A fresh start! 

Is there anyone who deals with food like this or has in the past?  I am not extreme like the people I work with but I definitely do not have normal thoughts and behaviors about food.  One goal I think that I want to accomplish, again, is to set up a meeting with my counselor.  I found one after my dad passed to work through the grief and it has helped to gain insight into my inner world.  Unfortunately, the counselor I had before had to refer me because she was not able to stay with the center due to job changes and going back to school.  In a way I resented her but I also understand as well.  I am not ashamed of going to a counselor when I am also in the field.  It opens up a different perspective and I will know what it is like being in the chair when I have my first client! 

It’s funny how my place of employment is a source of continuous stress but it is also a refuge for me at times as well.  Right now I feel better just being here.  Maybe it is because two of my best friends are here with me tonight so it does not seem like work at all.  But the other half of me feels safer.  I had this same feeling when I was in my previous relationship.  He was emotionally manipulative and abusive.  I believe he could be diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder.  I looked forward coming to work to escape the next break down.  Plus I have tons of support from my collegues.  I couldn’t ask for a better crew! 

I need to create a safe refuge within… Just thoughts… Thank you for those who are reading… I am reading as well and hope that I too will be able to get to a healthier weight and healthier lifestyle just as I have read on other blogs.  Patience is key I am learning haha  Thank you! 

I worked third shift at the hospital last night, a 12 hour shift to be exact! Whew!! It was my second 12hour in a row and tonight is my last night shift for awhile. I really don’t mind them but my circadian rhythm is completely thrown off and it takes me awhile before I get adjusted again. This has been my life for the past three years!! Constantly up and down in shifts which has reeked havoc on my body… again why the 30lbs was put on so fast! Not to mention how stressful it is to work there in these economic times. My hospital decided to cut the staffing back to great extents. It has vastly affected the patents and the care that we are able to give them. We are barely staying afloat, meanwhile, the directors and presidents are sitting pretty with their three million dollar bonuses (and that number is NOT fabricated!). It makes me sick and I questioned my heart everyday why I continue to stay there! I have contemplated many times to find another job. 1.)The job market is horrible at the moment, 2.)I can not do the same work I am doing without a higher degree (thank god I am pursuing my Masters!) 3.)I am fourth in seniority… who wants to give that up right now? 4.) Its the highest paying psych job out there. Inpatient pays more than being a community coordinator of sorts. I have rent, school, bills and my cat Willow to take care of hehe. These are pretty convincing reasons to stay in there until I graduate with my Masters. Then I plan to move to North Carolina! Oh what a sweet day it will be to put in my two weeks notice and leave Pittsburgh!!

I have a feeling this blog will not only talk about my struggles and triumphs with weight loss and living a healthier life style but also about my job and how it affects my life. There are many things in my life that I am balancing and don’t seem to be making any headway. Well… maybe slowly but I know I could be happier if I finally paid attention to me and not put me second anymore. And I do not view that as selfish. If I am a pitcher and continue to poor myself into the many cups that are in my life, I am left empty. I have tried to fill that void with food and have seen the consequences! It’s time to fill my pitcher

With that, I know that I have hit a sort of rock bottom. Getting things started was always difficult for me and I am also a procrastinator but once I start I take off with flying colors and don’t look back. Just seems to be the pattern of my behavior. When I got home from third shift I dug right into my binge stash. Earlier in the week I purchased the things I was craving for a rather large binge. As I am writing this I am ashamed and feel disgusting but again… accountability. I don’t binge too often but I have noticed my ideas of a binge have changed; changed for the worst! When I am happy, semi-balanced and calm I do not binge but when I am empty, stressed or depression I binge heavily. It has been a rough few weeks for me and for some reasons I can not actually pin down why? Anyway, I put on a movie and blindly stuffed my face until I felt sick. Then I fell asleep on my couch. I woke up a couple hours later and decided to move to my bed. I laid in bed and thought,”Wow, I feel like I am going to be sick!” I binge until I am stuffed or my craving is completely satiated but never until I vomit. This time was different. I ran to the bathroom and got sick! I felt still felt sick and decided to force myself to purge it just to be done with the feeling and the entire episode from start to finish. Brushed my teeth and went back to bed. This is one thing that I have not done since 7th/8th grade. When I was in middle school a friend and I went into throwing up our food together (not actually together in the bathroom just to clarify… yuck) to manipulate what we thought were our fat bodies but I didn’t gain any gratification from the act. So I stopped after a few months and have never done it (truthfully) until now! Complete rock bottom and feeling so guilty! Ok, just to clarify, I am not crazy, I just have some food issues that seem to flare up during stressful points in my life. If you were to look at the big picture of my life, I am naturally an optimistic, easy-going and fun loving person. I started this blog because I am tired of living the way that I am and want to feel happier and completely balanced.

Now that I am up and thinking about what I did just a few hours prior, I know that a change needs to come fast! I know what to do and how to eat but actually putting that into action is the hardest part. I feel I need to make small changes, obviously. Sometimes I bite off more than I can chew (no pun intended) which leads to sabotage. One thing that stumps me is how to get on some sort of schedule of eating and exercising when one does shift work?!? Any thoughts, ideas or suggestions is greatly appreciated! I do know one thing, I need to pack my lunches more often rather than going to our cafeteria. Awful things lie within that room!! When I do pick something eat, I make relatively good choices such as a grilled chicken sandwich with a wheat bun more often than not. My downfalls are chips, sometimes sweets, and tons of condiments. I think I am a ranch-aholic!! I love Hidden Valley Lite which is all I buy but in the hospital, surprisingly they do not believe in lite or fat free at times!! Sickening really for a hospital! I love mayo but definitely don’t mind light or reduced fat. At some point in my life I would like to be pretty condiment free and just enjoy the tastes of nature. My taste buds are so out of whack that it is difficult for me to picture not craving something bad because of the way it tastes. I also fall victim to Mt. Dew. I love the taste! I am happy though that when I go out it is either Mt. Dew if they have it (most of the time places do not) or water. Just straight up water with no lemon. I have gotten to like Diet Pepsi and Dr. Pepper so many for now I can substitute until I can ween myself off of pop all together. The thing is I hate coffee!! I know, for some this is a sin. I love the smell but hate the taste. So pop is my caffeine source.

I am rambling… I guess I am having a difficult time pinning down what I can change at this point which is the beginning… Something needs to give because I don’t want another episode like earlier today

Okay changes to stick with for now are:
1. Diet pop weened to water over time
2. Limit excess calories with excessive condiment use

Pathetic or just a start? I am my own worst enemy. Again, anyone who has suggestions about how to manage weight loss and shift work is greatly appreciated!

To all, continue the empowering journey towards a healthy mind, body and spirit!

Well hello all… I am new to this site but defintely not to the weight battle that plagues many lives.  There are so many ways I want to start this blog but can’t seem to pick one idea.  First, I suppose I will tell a little about myself and why I am joining the journey to leading a healthier lifestyle. 

 At this moment, I am very unhappy and uncomfortable with how I look and feel which then filters into the different areas of my life.  The joy is being sucked away and replaced with self consciousness, self loathing and disgust.  I feel that as I get older, my confidence should be growing but just the opposite is happening.  As my waistline expands, my confidence shrinks.  I am 24 and should be enjoying the time I spend with my friends and not be preoccupied with which roll is sticking out or wondering what another person may think of my body.   For as long as I can remember, I have always struggled with a negative body image.  My mom says I was thin in High School but I didn’t think so at the time.  Looking back on it now, I definitely was.   i sometimes wonder to myself, “where has that girl gone?”  In high school, I felt confident and self assured.  I was on top of the world.  I would think about how I looked but it definitely did not bother me like it does now.  Sometimes I find the weight struggle to be incapacitating.  Anyway, in collage i gained the dreaded freshman 15lbs but in my Sophomore year I was able to drop the added weight and maintain until my Senior year.  From then on I have ballooned out to where I am at my heaviest.  I weighed myself thismorning and I weighed in at 162.5lbs.

It’s time for a change.  A long lasting lifestyle change.  I am very unhappy.  A little bit about myself… I have a Bachelors in psychology and I am now going to school for my Masters in Professional Counseling.  I absolutely love my field!  I work fulltime at a psychiatric hospital and ironically, I work with patients who have eating disorders; Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa.  I also have decided to go to school fulltime in the fall.  This past year I only have gone part-time.  There is alot of stress in my life.  Working in the setting that I do is emotionally exhausting but rewarding as well.  Some days are better than others.  As of late, I have seen better days!  From the day I started two years ago on my unit, my weight as slowly increased and has put me at my highest weight which I am at right now.  There are so many layers as to why and how the weight was put on.

Since I work with eating disordered patients, and this is known as a refeeding program, I am around food all day and every day.  This doesn’t necessarily mean I eat everything in sight haha.  But, I calorie count for three meals and two snacks every day that I work.  It drives you mad after while.  We also take them out to eat so they can get used to the social aspect of dining out and eating as well as getting all of their exchanges in a restaurant setting.  so over the course of two years I have put on 30lbs!  A crazy psychological thing starts to happen, I feel, when working with this population.  For instance,  I find that sometimes when I eat I do it because I actually CAN eat.  My thoughts are something like this, “oh that bag of doritoes looks good!  I shouldn’t have them… too many calories, too much fat, I know how I will fel afterward… damn it, I can eat and have no severe fears of eating those calories or fat.  I am going to get them!”  Hence the 30lbs! 

Eating has always been a release for me as well.  I am a binge eater.  From third grade on I have learned how food is comfort and a way to numb my pain or emotional discomfort.  When I was in grade school my parernts divorced but my Dad was in and out of the house.  He was an alcoholic.  I never really formed a great relationship with him.  Two years ago in May, he died of a massive heart attack.  I was devastated!  I had not seen or spoke to him in 5 years.  Through the years, I saw him soothe his pain that he suffered in his childhood through alcohol.  I have replaced the alcohol with food and as I get older my habits have gotten worse.  In high school, I would go to the corner convience store and buy junk and binge.  I kept it a secret from my mom.  I would hide the bags and wrappers or i would walk to a dumpster outside a nearby restaurant and throw away my trash.  I would feel disgusted with myself but back then I didn’t binge as much as I am doing now.  I feel completely and utterly out of control now. 

I have gone to counseling to help me work through my emotional baggage which it has helped tremndously however I feel my patterns have changed.  Because I work shift work at the hospital and it is very stressful, I am binge because of stress.  Food still is my comfort but the motivator isn’t pain its stress at this point.  I am a work in progress and I need to take a step towards helping myself.  I belive that one of the hardest things to do as an adult is to learn how to really tend to yourself and take care of you.  I find it especially difficult in my line of work.  I am constantly caring for others during the day and at the end of the day I have no energy left for myself.  I also believe that one cannot fully take care of another if one cannot take care of his/herself properly.  I feel I am also slighting my patients when I do not get a full nights rest or a well balanced meal or 30 mins of cardio to recharge my batteries.  I am doing a disservice to them and myself.  I feel I have gotten so bad that I am using the patient’s techniques to try and hide uncomfortability such as wearing baggy clothing because I am ashamed of how my body looks with the extra weight.  I am appalled at myself!  I need a change…

So this is my story… I wanted to share it and find others that know how it feels to battle demons that seem to block happiness, balance and empowerment.  I am looking for inspiration, encouragement and understanding from others that are going through the same battle to attain a healthy lifestyle.  I am excited to meet other “buddies” and to also give you encouragement as well because with support it makes the journey towards a happier and healthier life easier. 

This site will be a work in progress… I will post before or current pictures, blog and join you all in the journey to a better self.